The Interview - by Amanda Stephens (c)
“I suppose you are wondering why I killed him? "
Well, it’s only natural isn’t it, I suppose. I didn’t really mean to do it, it was just one of those things really. What do I mean? We were having one of those days…most couples have them, don’t they? I mean, it wasn’t like that time we were in Akaroa and the waitress was paying too much attention to him and I accidentally spilt my red wine over her white top….he really was impossible that time. I mean, it wasn’t my fault she walked past as I stood up…yes, I know I shouldn’t have had my glass so high but well, we were celebrating and I was just happy. You would be too; it was our wedding anniversary you know. Just like this time. But that was our paper anniversary. This one was our wooden one.
Do you know, every year we try and get the most special gift for each other…something very meaningful that says something about our relationship usually. So, you can imagine my excitement when he told me my present was too big to wrap and that I had to go with him outside to see it….well, there it was, gleaming mahogany and brass…yes, a coffin. Can you imagine? Did it make me mad? On no, although my friends say that I am mad…”there she goes, oh she’s a mad one that one” they all laugh…Mindy laughs a bit too loud If you ask me. What? Well, I told you anyway didn’t I?
I have a keen sense of order you know, that’s why it was so important to me that he be the one to try it out first. What? Well, the lid wouldn’t shut properly so I had to nail it down. Where did I get the hammer? Actually, it was just lying there beside the coffin…how lucky for me, don’t you think? And then the phone rang…well, it was some woman going on about some plane reservations to New York and at first I told her she had the wrong number you know, as you would because some people are not very clever at technology, and then she asked to speak to him about it and, well, that just threw me because we hadn’t made any reservations and the woman seemed to think I was his maid – can you believe that – and she kept on about what should she take with her and insisting that I check with him because when she had spoken to him herself just two days ago he had told her he had a few loose ends to tie up and would get back to her about it. Well, I knew that was a lie because he had been in Blenheim on business two days ago. Anyway, I couldn’t hear her too well because she had some noisy child wailing in the background so I told her that I would have to hang up and she said that when she was his wife the first thing she would do would be to sack me! Have you ever heard so much? Well. Did that make me mad? I’ve told you about that….just ask Mindy. Anyway…by then I was in need of a drink…so went to fix myself a martini but we were all out of olives. Honestly, all he has to remember is to buy those nice ones from the Deli in Papanui Road and he can’t even do that! So, I got in the car and drove to the deli – it’s only five minutes in the Beemer - and they had a new saleswoman and it took simply ages before she got the order right. Well, then I drove home again and had my drink…and it was so lovely I had another right then and there. Yes, honestly! Wicked, don’t you think? But then, it was our anniversary you know and sometimes it’s good to indulge oneself…what do you mean? Oh, well, I realised that the lid was still on that coffin when I couldn’t hear that dratted thumping anymore…it suddenly went quiet you see and for awhile I couldn’t think what it was that was different but then the neighbour rang and thanked me for stopping that thumping and I asked him, what thumping? And he said that there had been thumping from our back yard and then, well, I rang you. Actually, you have wonderful structure, officer…very muscular and….Do I want a lawyer? Oh goodness me, no…I was married to one before…he drowned you know. He used to say he could drown in my big blue eyes…well, he didn’t.…he drowned in that Lucy Moreton’s swimming pool…dead drunk. Dead AND drunk, fancy that. Mind you, if he had been sober the doctors said he would probably have been able to get out of the way – it was my car that ran into the pool and clobbered him– faulty brakes, apparently. Imagine how dangerous it was for me driving about like that and he had only fixed them that morning! Sorry, what were you saying? Oh, officer isn’t that a bit kinky…….I mean my husband is hardly cold and here you are wanting to put handcuff’s on me!”
Yep, been reading Alan Bennett. Made this one up myself. Now you know my real name. Oh well.